My Story

March 29 2011 thoughts of the day

Today was the hardest day to date. Well, today combined with last night. The gravity of the situation is setting in as time goes by. The very real possibility of being alone is in front of me. It's terrifying beyond anything I've ever felt in one moment. In another, it's the exciting possibility of a blank canvas, which is also strangely comforting... Almost a relief.

There are so many thoughts running through my head. There are thoughts of the future and what it holds. Those are mostly abstract and fleeting. As with the possibility of starting over, they are dark flashes of pure fear, blackness, loneliness, coupled with lightness and freedom.

There are more thoughts of the past right now, though. Things that I haven't thought or felt for so many years are coming back to me. The fear for one. I haven't felt such sheer terror since Ex left. I can't believe it's been five years... At the same time, I haven't felt such a desire to be with someone.

Have I really disappeared for five years? Have I let the essence of who I am run off? It's the only explanation I can think of. I'm coming back now. It's been a gradual unfolding followed by one final jolt to bring me back.

So what's my situation? In a nutshell, I'm in my late 20s and I'm married. I got married a year ago. I am not sure I love my husband. That's not true. I do love my husband, but I'm not sure I love him as a husband. (We will examine what that means as time goes on. I don't know yet.)

I had an affair...I guess that's what you call it... With a man who in any other circumstances, would be the perfect man for me. Am I in love with him? It's a real, and terrifying possibility.

My career is my life. Is that right or wrong? I know there's not really an answer to that. I wish it was less of my life.

I'm terrified of being normal. But maybe it's all I really want.

The decision now, do I stay where I am, or start over? This is my journey as I make that decision. Unfiltered, and real. It's an awakening in some ways... No matter the outcome.

I'm finding myself...again and yet for the first time. This will hurt. A lot. It's going to be a long road.  But, I truly believe we will all be better at the end of it. I have to.