Children

Children

I have been saying for ages that I do not want children. I made my husband promise that he would be ok not having them. But there are things that haunt me about that decision. 

For one, I wanted to have a chid with my ex boyfriend. I had a major scare once. I was, in a way, devastated that it was just a scare. Having a baby with him seemed so natural. Of course the powers that be knew that wasn't a good idea, and for that I am thankful. 

Secondly, I remember vividly one night age 21. I was at a bar with my friend E. It was an amazing summer night and we were having a drink outside. We discussed how one day we wanted a child. I said I was thinking about children a lot at the time. I wanted a little girl. I wanted to name her S----

I named my child. How could I forget that? Do I still not want them, or do I not want them with my husband? Isn't that strange? Don't most people settle on a husband and learn to love him so they can have children? I want to have a child with my soul mate.  Whoever that is. Perhaps it's alone.

It terrifies me that a child, a soul mate, put it all together and it's all too good to be true... For those things to all line up. Especially after I've put some pretty bad karma out there with my recent actions.