Divorce

Divorce

Hell of a word, huh? Scary word. Scary concept. Damaged. Alone. Dark. Tainted. Soul destroying. Liberating. New beginning. Second chance. 

Sometimes it's the only way. Sometimes it's running away. I don't know if I will get divorced, but I know it's a possibility. 

I don't want to run. I don't want to leave because I am scared of being close to someone who actually loves me. I know I have had issues letting people love me (my parents). And I have a history of loving those who don't.

Is that what I'm doing now? It doesn't feel like it. But I do have to make sure. It's a real possibility. 

Maybe a pros and cons list is in order

To stay:
He loves me. He wants to love me. He will do anything to make me happy. 
I never want to do anything to hurt him. He's done nothing wrong. 
I don't want to be alone. 
He is endearing and innocent and I never want him to change that. 

To go:
Do we have much in common?
We don't talk 
We don't know where we are going (see previous bullet)
I'm not convinced I'm the right girl for him
I think I'm falling madly in love with someone else (who I will likely never have)

These lists can both be endless. If I'm truly honest, is the last bullet where it ends? In a way, I guess it is. But if I go, it has to go beyond that. I have to be ok with being alone. That's what will likely happen. I have to do this for the single me... Whoever she is. 

What's scariest of all...there is no right answer. Well, I suppose there is, but there's no writing on the wall. Its not black or white, and there's no easy way to uncover it. I'll hope for a sign. I'll hope I make the right decision. I'll hope it unfolds as it's supposed to. 

I want to be active in the decision, but sometimes I feel I should do nothing. I'm told I'm in control. I don't want to be. I want the universe to show me the way. Maybe it will. I have to, for my own sanity, believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe if I give it time, it will all work out. 

Or maybe not.