Talking
Husband and I have to start talking. What does the conversation look like? I don't know. I have to frame it carefully.
It must convey that we are not ok. But it can't imply that I'm looking for an end. We may be ok. We may not. But I have to be careful to not kill our chances with one conversation.
What also cannot happen is a passive conversation where we do not really talk. I don't want, for either of our sakes, for us to be one of those couples that goes for years not being anything, just cohabiting peacefully. Then one day, age 40, we realize we are fucked. We realize we haven't been living.
So, how does the conversation start? I guess for starters, "we need to talk about us." Are we growing? Are we growing in the same direction? Where do we each see ourselves in five years? Can we get there together? How?
This one conversation might end it all. It might save us. It might be the first of many. More than likely, he will go along with what I say. That can't happen. It's not fair to him. It's not fair to me.
There's a chance he will close up or get defensive, not want to talk. That will lead to a rapid dissolution of our marriage.
The bottom line is, we've never talked like this so I don't know how he will react. All I know is, the outcome is always the one you never imagine, so no matter what, I will probably be surprised.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Children
Children
I have been saying for ages that I do not want children. I made my husband promise that he would be ok not having them. But there are things that haunt me about that decision.
For one, I wanted to have a chid with my ex boyfriend. I had a major scare once. I was, in a way, devastated that it was just a scare. Having a baby with him seemed so natural. Of course the powers that be knew that wasn't a good idea, and for that I am thankful.
Secondly, I remember vividly one night age 21. I was at a bar with my friend E. It was an amazing summer night and we were having a drink outside. We discussed how one day we wanted a child. I said I was thinking about children a lot at the time. I wanted a little girl. I wanted to name her S----
I named my child. How could I forget that? Do I still not want them, or do I not want them with my husband? Isn't that strange? Don't most people settle on a husband and learn to love him so they can have children? I want to have a child with my soul mate. Whoever that is. Perhaps it's alone.
It terrifies me that a child, a soul mate, put it all together and it's all too good to be true... For those things to all line up. Especially after I've put some pretty bad karma out there with my recent actions.
I have been saying for ages that I do not want children. I made my husband promise that he would be ok not having them. But there are things that haunt me about that decision.
For one, I wanted to have a chid with my ex boyfriend. I had a major scare once. I was, in a way, devastated that it was just a scare. Having a baby with him seemed so natural. Of course the powers that be knew that wasn't a good idea, and for that I am thankful.
Secondly, I remember vividly one night age 21. I was at a bar with my friend E. It was an amazing summer night and we were having a drink outside. We discussed how one day we wanted a child. I said I was thinking about children a lot at the time. I wanted a little girl. I wanted to name her S----
I named my child. How could I forget that? Do I still not want them, or do I not want them with my husband? Isn't that strange? Don't most people settle on a husband and learn to love him so they can have children? I want to have a child with my soul mate. Whoever that is. Perhaps it's alone.
It terrifies me that a child, a soul mate, put it all together and it's all too good to be true... For those things to all line up. Especially after I've put some pretty bad karma out there with my recent actions.
Divorce
Divorce
Hell of a word, huh? Scary word. Scary concept. Damaged. Alone. Dark. Tainted. Soul destroying. Liberating. New beginning. Second chance.
Sometimes it's the only way. Sometimes it's running away. I don't know if I will get divorced, but I know it's a possibility.
I don't want to run. I don't want to leave because I am scared of being close to someone who actually loves me. I know I have had issues letting people love me (my parents). And I have a history of loving those who don't.
Is that what I'm doing now? It doesn't feel like it. But I do have to make sure. It's a real possibility.
Maybe a pros and cons list is in order
To stay:
He loves me. He wants to love me. He will do anything to make me happy.
I never want to do anything to hurt him. He's done nothing wrong.
I don't want to be alone.
He is endearing and innocent and I never want him to change that.
To go:
Do we have much in common?
We don't talk
We don't know where we are going (see previous bullet)
I'm not convinced I'm the right girl for him
I think I'm falling madly in love with someone else (who I will likely never have)
These lists can both be endless. If I'm truly honest, is the last bullet where it ends? In a way, I guess it is. But if I go, it has to go beyond that. I have to be ok with being alone. That's what will likely happen. I have to do this for the single me... Whoever she is.
What's scariest of all...there is no right answer. Well, I suppose there is, but there's no writing on the wall. Its not black or white, and there's no easy way to uncover it. I'll hope for a sign. I'll hope I make the right decision. I'll hope it unfolds as it's supposed to.
I want to be active in the decision, but sometimes I feel I should do nothing. I'm told I'm in control. I don't want to be. I want the universe to show me the way. Maybe it will. I have to, for my own sanity, believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe if I give it time, it will all work out.
Or maybe not.
Hell of a word, huh? Scary word. Scary concept. Damaged. Alone. Dark. Tainted. Soul destroying. Liberating. New beginning. Second chance.
Sometimes it's the only way. Sometimes it's running away. I don't know if I will get divorced, but I know it's a possibility.
I don't want to run. I don't want to leave because I am scared of being close to someone who actually loves me. I know I have had issues letting people love me (my parents). And I have a history of loving those who don't.
Is that what I'm doing now? It doesn't feel like it. But I do have to make sure. It's a real possibility.
Maybe a pros and cons list is in order
To stay:
He loves me. He wants to love me. He will do anything to make me happy.
I never want to do anything to hurt him. He's done nothing wrong.
I don't want to be alone.
He is endearing and innocent and I never want him to change that.
To go:
Do we have much in common?
We don't talk
We don't know where we are going (see previous bullet)
I'm not convinced I'm the right girl for him
I think I'm falling madly in love with someone else (who I will likely never have)
These lists can both be endless. If I'm truly honest, is the last bullet where it ends? In a way, I guess it is. But if I go, it has to go beyond that. I have to be ok with being alone. That's what will likely happen. I have to do this for the single me... Whoever she is.
What's scariest of all...there is no right answer. Well, I suppose there is, but there's no writing on the wall. Its not black or white, and there's no easy way to uncover it. I'll hope for a sign. I'll hope I make the right decision. I'll hope it unfolds as it's supposed to.
I want to be active in the decision, but sometimes I feel I should do nothing. I'm told I'm in control. I don't want to be. I want the universe to show me the way. Maybe it will. I have to, for my own sanity, believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe if I give it time, it will all work out.
Or maybe not.
My Story
March 29 2011 thoughts of the day
Today was the hardest day to date. Well, today combined with last night. The gravity of the situation is setting in as time goes by. The very real possibility of being alone is in front of me. It's terrifying beyond anything I've ever felt in one moment. In another, it's the exciting possibility of a blank canvas, which is also strangely comforting... Almost a relief.
There are so many thoughts running through my head. There are thoughts of the future and what it holds. Those are mostly abstract and fleeting. As with the possibility of starting over, they are dark flashes of pure fear, blackness, loneliness, coupled with lightness and freedom.
There are more thoughts of the past right now, though. Things that I haven't thought or felt for so many years are coming back to me. The fear for one. I haven't felt such sheer terror since Ex left. I can't believe it's been five years... At the same time, I haven't felt such a desire to be with someone.
Have I really disappeared for five years? Have I let the essence of who I am run off? It's the only explanation I can think of. I'm coming back now. It's been a gradual unfolding followed by one final jolt to bring me back.
So what's my situation? In a nutshell, I'm in my late 20s and I'm married. I got married a year ago. I am not sure I love my husband. That's not true. I do love my husband, but I'm not sure I love him as a husband. (We will examine what that means as time goes on. I don't know yet.)
I had an affair...I guess that's what you call it... With a man who in any other circumstances, would be the perfect man for me. Am I in love with him? It's a real, and terrifying possibility.
My career is my life. Is that right or wrong? I know there's not really an answer to that. I wish it was less of my life.
I'm terrified of being normal. But maybe it's all I really want.
The decision now, do I stay where I am, or start over? This is my journey as I make that decision. Unfiltered, and real. It's an awakening in some ways... No matter the outcome.
I'm finding myself...again and yet for the first time. This will hurt. A lot. It's going to be a long road. But, I truly believe we will all be better at the end of it. I have to.
Today was the hardest day to date. Well, today combined with last night. The gravity of the situation is setting in as time goes by. The very real possibility of being alone is in front of me. It's terrifying beyond anything I've ever felt in one moment. In another, it's the exciting possibility of a blank canvas, which is also strangely comforting... Almost a relief.
There are so many thoughts running through my head. There are thoughts of the future and what it holds. Those are mostly abstract and fleeting. As with the possibility of starting over, they are dark flashes of pure fear, blackness, loneliness, coupled with lightness and freedom.
There are more thoughts of the past right now, though. Things that I haven't thought or felt for so many years are coming back to me. The fear for one. I haven't felt such sheer terror since Ex left. I can't believe it's been five years... At the same time, I haven't felt such a desire to be with someone.
Have I really disappeared for five years? Have I let the essence of who I am run off? It's the only explanation I can think of. I'm coming back now. It's been a gradual unfolding followed by one final jolt to bring me back.
So what's my situation? In a nutshell, I'm in my late 20s and I'm married. I got married a year ago. I am not sure I love my husband. That's not true. I do love my husband, but I'm not sure I love him as a husband. (We will examine what that means as time goes on. I don't know yet.)
I had an affair...I guess that's what you call it... With a man who in any other circumstances, would be the perfect man for me. Am I in love with him? It's a real, and terrifying possibility.
My career is my life. Is that right or wrong? I know there's not really an answer to that. I wish it was less of my life.
I'm terrified of being normal. But maybe it's all I really want.
The decision now, do I stay where I am, or start over? This is my journey as I make that decision. Unfiltered, and real. It's an awakening in some ways... No matter the outcome.
I'm finding myself...again and yet for the first time. This will hurt. A lot. It's going to be a long road. But, I truly believe we will all be better at the end of it. I have to.
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